Sunday, September 14, 2008

Yay for science!

So apparently now scientists have discovered the horror of eating vegetables:

Luckily, I suspected this all along and have carefully guarded against the overconsumption of vampire vegetables.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Cats and ducks beneficial to health ?

Yesterday, Yahoo linked to an article reporting the results of a recent study. The study found that people who lived close to a big-box retailer (such as Wal-Mart) weighed on average .5 pounds less than the general population; people who lived close to a big-box retailer that included a grocery store weighed on average .18 pounds less. Researchers concluded that people who live close to such stores save money on daily necessities and therefore have more money to buy fresh fruits and vegetables, which improves their health; this is particularly true for lower-income families, whose quality of life is impacted by even small savings.

Unfortunately, the article failed to report the more interesting findings of this study. First of all, people who have cats were found to eat 1.7% less ice cream than the general population. Since ice cream is a stereotypical comfort food, researchers speculate that having a cat reduces people's stress level, thereby improving their health.

The second interesting finding: people who live within .75 miles of a duck pond are 2.13% more likely to consider pursuing a degree in philosophy. This statistic suggests that people who spend time observing the natural world are more likely to speculate about the nature of existence and engage in abstract critical thinking.

Dr. Samuel Smith, who designed the study, hopes that this new research will prompt change. "I urge Congress to offer tax incentives to cat owners in order to help fight obesity," he said. "I also encourage local government officials and neighborhood associations to allocate more of their funds to the creation and preservation of duck ponds to encourage the critical thinking skills needed by our children in order to become a successful leaders of tomorrow."

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

a change in philosophy

Prior to this date, I, the real Jeni, have waged war against the infuriating existence of many fake Jenis. I now hereby acknowledge the superiority of all fake Jenis, who possess the great advantage of not having tendons by virtue of their unreality. I now long to join their ranks and hope that they shall accept me as one of their own.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

a new career?

Your humble narrator didst recently receive a most exotic present fashioned by the craftsman Sanrio in the distant regions of Thailand. This fine gift is not one of gold, or of silver, or of myrrh, but rather consists of a delicate fruity pudding named in honor of one Hello Kitty. Though wary at first of its opacity and its gelatinous consistency, your narrator hast at last partaken of the molded delicacy and hast discovered it to be quite tasty indeed. And so she hast now forsworn to become forthwith an Ambassador for the glorious product "Hello Kitty's Fruity Pudding."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Cat attack

After recently suffering from a vicious attack by one "Blocks," which left forehead mangled and bloody, I am now at home recovering under the care of the gentle Gergiev. The wise feline physician has recommended extensive rest with an open lap policy, though your humble narrator is beginning to suspect that her motives might not be entirely untainted by self-interest.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Just for you, Daniel

Today after noticing on Mad Scientist's blog that her name had been changed to "Jeni, the silent feline," your humble narrator realized just how long it had been since her last blog entry. Mad Scientist is mistaken however. Felines are not silent . . . they are merely mired in the seventh circle of hell--the one in which you are transformed into a gnarled bush and attacked by Harpies while watching your own corpse hanging from a tree limb. This middle ring of the seventh circle is reserved for those who commit violence against the self; according to Dante, this translates to suicides. Alas, the great poet was blissfully unaware that self-violence may take many forms, dissertating being among the worst. Perhaps someday, your narrator shall emerge as a whole person again. Until then, she shall proclaim the horrors of excessive education: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I love nature. I hate nature. Stupid ambivalent force!

Throughout this past week, your humble narrator hast been tormented by an infestation of crickets in her working environment. Last night however, nature was forgiven for all her horrors as your narrator was, whilst on her bicycle, chased for some distance by a frolicsome baby skunk. Such a shame that she was not able to stop and play with said skunk for fear of being defiled . . .