The real Jeni

Yay for science!

2008-09-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

So apparently now scientists have discovered the horror of eating vegetables:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/HealthSci/Eating_veggies_shrinks_the_brain/articleshow/3480629.cms

Luckily, I suspected this all along and have carefully guarded against the overconsumption of vampire vegetables.

Cats and ducks beneficial to health ?

2008-09-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Yahoo linked to an article reporting the results of a recent study. The study found that people who lived close to a big-box retailer (such as Wal-Mart) weighed on average .5 pounds less than the general population; people who lived close to a big-box retailer that included a grocery store weighed on average .18 pounds less. Researchers concluded that people who live close to such stores save money on daily necessities and therefore have more money to buy fresh fruits and vegetables, which improves their health; this is particularly true for lower-income families, whose quality of life is impacted by even small savings.

Unfortunately, the article failed to report the more interesting findings of this study. First of all, people who have cats were found to eat 1.7% less ice cream than the general population. Since ice cream is a stereotypical comfort food, researchers speculate that having a cat reduces people's stress level, thereby improving their health.

The second interesting finding: people who live within .75 miles of a duck pond are 2.13% more likely to consider pursuing a degree in philosophy. This statistic suggests that people who spend time observing the natural world are more likely to speculate about the nature of existence and engage in abstract critical thinking.

Dr. Samuel Smith, who designed the study, hopes that this new research will prompt change. "I urge Congress to offer tax incentives to cat owners in order to help fight obesity," he said. "I also encourage local government officials and neighborhood associations to allocate more of their funds to the creation and preservation of duck ponds to encourage the critical thinking skills needed by our children in order to become a successful leaders of tomorrow."

a change in philosophy

2008-08-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Prior to this date, I, the real Jeni, have waged war against the infuriating existence of many fake Jenis. I now hereby acknowledge the superiority of all fake Jenis, who possess the great advantage of not having tendons by virtue of their unreality. I now long to join their ranks and hope that they shall accept me as one of their own.

a new career?

2008-08-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

Your humble narrator didst recently receive a most exotic present fashioned by the craftsman Sanrio in the distant regions of Thailand. This fine gift is not one of gold, or of silver, or of myrrh, but rather consists of a delicate fruity pudding named in honor of one Hello Kitty. Though wary at first of its opacity and its gelatinous consistency, your narrator hast at last partaken of the molded delicacy and hast discovered it to be quite tasty indeed. And so she hast now forsworn to become forthwith an Ambassador for the glorious product "Hello Kitty's Fruity Pudding."

Cat attack

2008-01-16T19:15:00.001-08:00

After recently suffering from a vicious attack by one "Blocks," which left forehead mangled and bloody, I am now at home recovering under the care of the gentle Gergiev. The wise feline physician has recommended extensive rest with an open lap policy, though your humble narrator is beginning to suspect that her motives might not be entirely untainted by self-interest.

Just for you, Daniel

2007-11-27T13:11:00.001-08:00

Today after noticing on Mad Scientist's blog that her name had been changed to "Jeni, the silent feline," your humble narrator realized just how long it had been since her last blog entry. Mad Scientist is mistaken however. Felines are not silent . . . they are merely mired in the seventh circle of hell--the one in which you are transformed into a gnarled bush and attacked by Harpies while watching your own corpse hanging from a tree limb. This middle ring of the seventh circle is reserved for those who commit violence against the self; according to Dante, this translates to suicides. Alas, the great poet was blissfully unaware that self-violence may take many forms, dissertating being among the worst. Perhaps someday, your narrator shall emerge as a whole person again. Until then, she shall proclaim the horrors of excessive education: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.

I love nature. I hate nature. Stupid ambivalent force!

2007-08-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

Throughout this past week, your humble narrator hast been tormented by an infestation of crickets in her working environment. Last night however, nature was forgiven for all her horrors as your narrator was, whilst on her bicycle, chased for some distance by a frolicsome baby skunk. Such a shame that she was not able to stop and play with said skunk for fear of being defiled . . .

Experiment

2007-08-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

In the interests of science, your narrator is going to see how long she can avoid transportation via automobile . . . assuming, that is, that her new bicycle is not stolen, in which case she shall permanently adopt the philosophy of reverse karma. And what, you the gentle reader may be asking, is this lofty new philosophy? Simply that one is quite legitimately permitted to re-enact any evil deed committed upon them. So let the world beware and anger the Jenis of the earth no longer!

Catism dead?

2007-06-21T20:48:00.001-07:00

My beloved cat Gergiev told me today that she may never blog again. How sad!

Cat reciprocates and decorates

2007-06-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

Dear brave Sara didst offer of late some gourmet fare to my beloved cat Gergiev. Inspired by this kind offerring, Gergiev hast loaned her lilac-coloured catmobile to Sara's beloved feline companions, Ray and Egon, to usher them in comfort and style to their newly acquired vintage apartment. Unfortunately, said cats have not the slender physique of the stately Gergiev and were not able to be accomodated by the proffered vehicle.

Meanwhile, the stately cat hast set her eye upon improvements in our own humble abode. Having decided that our mahogany-filled apartment needed some deco flair, she proceeded to assist and urge her obliging human companion to sift through ebay, thrift stores, and local garage sales so as to acquire some green and gold deco bookends, a deco bath scale, two extraordinary brass deco waste baskets, and a vintage phone and heater. Perhaps someday, my talented cat shall unveil her talents to the world by opening up a classy vintage store.

Cats on the Internet

2007-06-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

Mr. Lee is a cat who is becoming a famous photographer on the Internet. Perhaps my cat Gergiev will write a feline interest story about him to allay the doom and gloom associated with the cat food recall.

Burning down the house . . .

2007-05-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

This evening, your humble narrator did leave an empty kettle upon a burner, resulting in the fusing of the two. Fortunately, the situation was but temporary and said kettle was disattached from stove, leaving behind only a circle of red paint. My cat Gergiev was quite alarmed and has requested that such situation not occur in her house again.

Gourmet Fare

2007-05-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my cat Gergiev and I shared a stuffed cornish hen provided courtesy of Gergiev's beloved godmother. And that's truly the extent of the excitement in my life right now . . .

How Much Training Does It Take To Raise A Child?

2007-05-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

A Back-Seat Mother writes to Dear Prudence regarding her husband, an elementary education professor, and his mother, a child psychologist. Instead of consulting with his wife, the husband/father, himself an expert in children, consults with a professional, his child psychologist mother:

I feel like I haven't been given the opportunity to test out my maternal instincts or skills since our first child was born…they [husband/father and his mother] are more like colleagues consulting with each other….I know they may be experts when it comes to childhood issues, but shouldn't I be given the opportunity…even if I do mess up?

Dear Prudence responds as if professionals raising children is a problem. In this day of highly specialized fields professionals will of course do the raising of children. Instead of viewing this as a problem, the mother should be thankful that her daughter is so lucky as to have a professional for a father. Many children have to go to professional, but this child only need see her father. It is only logical that such an expert would consult another expert and not a layman like the mother. This mother needs to stop thinking of herself. Her husband and his mother received years of training before they could ruin a child’s life, and yet this mother wants to do it with no training at all.

If this mother turned to Catism she could become a follower of the Founder and Glorious Leader of Catism The Cat Gergiev, follow the example of others, without violating a cat's rights, and live a full life serving cats.

It really does exist . . .

2007-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

While biking near the Expo Center/Fairgrounds in Sacramento this week, anonymous law student and I stumbled across a sign with arrows pointing to various locations and attractions. One arrow pointed to a most mysterious location called "Mad Science." Unfortunately, there was a barbed wire fence keeping us from pursuing Mad Science. I shall have to make up for this failure by visiting the human incarnation of Mad Science for some more pecan badminton.

P.S. Kudos to my cat Gergiev for finally participating in survey tag, however late it may be.

Some sort of progress

2007-04-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

A draft of chapter two is now complete. Now I may enjoy CA guilt-free. :)

Random thoughts from yesterday

2007-04-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I tried as hard as I could to avoid dissertation writing. Perhaps a few randomly selected thoughts that went through my head during the day will give you a sense of what it is like to write a dissertation:

Are flea markets open on Sunday?

Is $10 too high for a toaster oven?

I wonder if that guy is actually going to get change or if he's just gonna run off with my $20.

Moving heavy furniture around is a great idea.

Wow, it's actually kind of hard to move a bookcase that's like two feet taller than I am.

I should move this pump organ into my bedroom.

I should move this pump organ out of my bedroom.

How come this organ was so easy to get into this room and so impossible to get out?

If I can't get it out of the room, maybe I can at least move it back in.

If only I could squeeze my rib cage through this four and a 1/2 inch opening . . . I just need to try a little harder.

Is it possible my organ is haunted and has purposefully trapped me in my own bedroom?

What am I going to do with these two leftover chairs?

Why do I own a spice rack? What is the point of decanting spices? This will not do.

exciting weekend

2007-04-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

On this most lovely weekend, your narrator hast decided to invest in some charming vintage items purchased on eBay and the local flea market: some necklaces, a pair of earrings (the old-fashioned, screw-in kind), and a fur collar.

Meanwhile, my clever cat Gergiev has been stalking the venerable paper shredder, pouncing upon parcels from my aforementioned shopping adventure, and lying adorably in a basket.

Today, your humble narrator and her cat were visited by two schnauzers and a freakishly tall man. Gergiev has since complained that she does not approve of such company--the schnauzers, that is. She does not seem to have any qualms with the freakishly tall. Yet.

Let the revolution begin . . .

2007-04-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

Here are the lyrics from a song called "Song for the Orca" that I would like to dedicate to my fiesty cat Gergiev. May the cats inherit the earth! Enjoy . . .

This song is for the orca,
Swimmin' 'round in circles at Sea World,
Someday you'll drown the dude with the clip-board,
Someday,

This song is for the gator,
Layin' in the roadside cage in FLA,
You'll tear the cracker to shreds someday,
I'll read about you in USA Today,
And it feels so nice,
That the Lord made this day,
And it feels so right,
To know that justice,
Will have it's say,

This song is for the pitbull,
Covered in the cigarette burns,
Someday you'll find a sweet aorta,
Someday, someday,

This song is for the lion,
Shaved of all his dignity and pride,
One will fall over that railing someday,
I'll see the story on MSNBC,
And it feels so right,
That the Lord let this be,
And it feels so right,
To know that justice does agree,

This song is for the python,
Coiled in the box that does not fit,
Someday you'll crush the air from his lungs,
Someday,

This song is for the ape now,
Staring out through bars with comprehending eyes,
At dull and useless people,
Someday,

This song is for the orca,
Dreaming of the Norway fjord,
With open sores from rubbin' dirty tank walls,
Someday...

What To Do About Deadly Cat Food Still On Shelves

2007-04-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

In these days of deadly cat food the Founder and Glorious Leader of Catism The Cat Gergiev has dutifully reported on the number one issue facing cats right now on a daily basis. The Menu Food cat food recall has resulted in documented deaths, company distortions, and much more.

A most important post by The Cat Gergiev is "Cat Food That Is Not Recalled." This contains information to start research on safe cat food. It is not easy and simple, but when there is still deadly cat food on store shelves there is no alternative.

Catism must not be ignored.

A dream come true . . .

2007-04-04T08:43:00.000-07:00

Today, one of your narrator's greatest dreams hast come to pass: she received an email from one Hello Kitty. It was a most glorious event, despite the mildly disappointing fact that it was a mass email and not addressed specifically to her. I suspect this could be the beginning of an adorable animated friendship . . .

Science success!!

2007-04-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time long long ago, little Jeni fell in love with a coffee shop outside of Ft. Worth. Said coffee shop made a wonderfully light and fluffy cold cappuccino drink with a sweet thick frothy layer on top, much like a traditional hot cappuccino. Eventually, the mighty empire of one Starbucks gained dominion over the earth, so that when the now grown Jeni returned from college she couldst find her shop no more. Long did she mourn her loss, until finally at long last, she didst this very day perfect the secret recipe to the drink of her youth. Said drink contains:

a double shot of expresso
sugar (to taste)
cream/milk (to taste)
1/2 scoop vanilla flavored whey protein
4 ice cubes

Process in blender until smooth and frothy.

Return to the blue lagoon . . .

2007-03-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

At long last, your humble narrator hast returned to the vast abyss of dissertating and hast vowed to remain there for no less than the entire duration of chapter the second. She hast found, much to her delight, that imbibing a single glass of peach juice laced with Malibu rum seems to foster such activities--hopefully not to the detriment of coherence. She hath furthermore discovered, in apparent connection with her venture, a vehement desire for the music of one 'Cher' and wonders if there might be some clandestine and hitherto unexplored association between said musician and Stoic virtue.

Interior Designers Run Amok

2007-03-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

The item pictured above, currently offered for sale by Ballard Designs, is called a "seashell topiary." Ballard Designs has taken a classic piece of garden design--the topiary, which is a plant that has been trimmed into a particular shape--and turned it into what resembles a freakish beehive hairdo that has been attacked by a swarm of killer hermit crabs. Bravo! Like most interior design disasters, you will notice that this item smacks of crafty creativity, is meant to be part of a themed room (indeed, you can also purchase a lovely matching seashell wreath), and has absolutely no function beyond provoking the occasional furrowed brow of a visitor. I hereby present it with Jeni's Award for Tackiest Design Item.

What To Do If Your Co-Workers Bore You

2007-03-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

How To Get Included When Co-Workers Leave You Out addressed Amy's question to Ask Amy about what to do regarding naked women in e-mail forwards at work that she did not receive.

Typical of most advice columnists, Ask Amy, or the asking Amy, left out many details. Anonymous mentions one such scenario that may arise.

As I wrote to the asking Amy:

You need to assess yourself. Why are you growing intolerant? Why are you so afraid of porn? Why are you embarrassed by it? Is it your parents? School? Are you afraid of sexuality?

Once the asking Amy assesses herself she might conclude with the assessment that commentor Anonymous takes up:

Some people just find porn boring rather than offensive.

In the case where Amy finds porn boring she should begin yawning as her co-workers discuss their porn pictures around the water cooler, and tell them, "Could we possibly discuss something more boring? Like work?" Should they protest, she may then tell them that she understands because her son, cousin, nephew, or brother used to find porn exciting. Then he turned 16 and started dating girls, which he found to be much more exciting, and she is sure they will eventually grow into real pursuits. She could then offer to provide them all dating advice for $25 an hour per person in a group session. She will then making money during her lunch break.

How To Get Included When Co-Workers Leave You Out

2007-03-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

Amy writes to Ask Amy on what to do about naked women in e-mail forwards at work that she does not receive:

[T]hey do not send them to me (though I have seen one or two), but they do discuss these e-mails in front of me, laughing when I get upset....I have joked around with the guys in the past....do I have to completely abandon my sense of humor and basically threaten them with harassment charges? It's a small office and we've worked together for years. I just find myself growing less tolerant....

Ask Amy replies:

It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with your coworkers....simply point out that it's just not funny to you....If this more conversational approach doesn't make an impact, you could also probably do something more formal through your HR office. Many workplaces have policies against viewing porn, etc....on their dime and through their accounts. Also, this cumulative behavior can count as sexual harassment -- even though it's not intended that way, or at least you don't seem to be interpreting it that way -- it is part of creating a hostile work environment.

Pierre replies:

If you listen to Ask Amy, you will find there is nothing like going to the human resources department in a small office, which probably does not have an HR deparment because it is a small office.

You need to assess yourself. Why are you growing intolerant? Why are you so afraid of porn? Why are you embarrassed by it? Is it your parents? School? Are you afraid of sexuality? If you are afraid, you must stop living in fear because porn has seeped into American culture, but you seem to have been closing your eyes to it. Why not open you eyes and engage in meaningful discussion with your co-workers about something they care about? Instead of seeing sexual harassment accumulating, you should demand that the glass ceiling be shattered and that the men send you the forwards so that you can better discuss the pictures with them.

Her Parent's Sex Life Mortifies Her, But When Dear Prudence Provides No Guidance, Pierre Steps In

2007-03-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

"Need New Sheets" writes to Dear Prudence asking:

I am 16, and my parents...have sex in other places in the house besides their bedroom. I'm never home when this occurs....Recently, I found out that my parents had sex on my bed. This was mortifying and horrific for me....I haven't even had sex on my bed! They don't see anything wrong with what they've done....How can I explain to them that this has scarred me, possibly for the rest of my life?

Dear Prudence responds:

Since you weren't home when they discovered your bed was "just right," how did you find out? Do they discuss their conjugal adventures over dinner? Or do they make innuendos to each other that you're now old enough to understand? You're right to be disturbed....I can't tell from your letter if your parents are just a little bit screwy on this subject and don't realize you know more than they intend, or if they get their jollies from subjecting you to recitations of their intimacy....if they don't get it after you talk to them, you have to seek help. Discuss this with a trustworthy relative, a member of your clergy, or a counselor at your school who can intervene on your behalf.

Pierre - A Cat From France responds:

All Dear Prudence did was turn you to counselors. Do not turn to high school counselors. If they knew anything, they would not be high school counselors. They would be plumbers.

Turn to Pierre.

You are looking at this as a negative. Always look on the bright side of life. While you are 16 and unmarried you should not be having any sex, but look at what you have to look forward to: When you marry, and then can have sex, you can visit your parents and engage in sex all over their house. Should they complain you can then respond, "I learned it from you."

Veterinarian Pukay Give Wrong Advice In The Ottawa Citizen

2007-02-26T09:25:00.000-08:00

In the Ottawa Citizen, a reader writes to ask:

Both my parents are from the "old country" and neither believes in having dogs or cats neutered. They prefer to have our two-year-old tomcat remain intact and "natural" as "nature had intended" (in their words). How do I convince my parents that it is in the cat's own best interest to be neutered? Maybe you could list all the benefits of neutering male cats in your column and I could show it to them.

Dr. Bernhard Pukay, an Ottawa veterinarian, answers:

Most pet owners are aware their pets should be neutered....In short, neutering is also the responsible thing to do.

Unfortunately, Pukay has only perpetuated a falsity that is in opposition to Catism thereby misinforming the reader. The Founder and Glorious Leader of Catism The Cat Gergiev has written, "TNR is trap-neuter-return, a policy that robs cats of their reproductive rights." The parents of the reader of the Ottawa Citizen should not neuter a cat because it is against the cat's reproductive freedom. If Pukay thinks neutering is so great then why did he neglect to say he himself is neutered?

An Invitation and a Proposal in Support of Catism

2007-02-23T11:13:00.000-08:00

To show my support for students of Catism around the world, I would like to invite Pierre the cat to be a guest blogger. I would also like to propose that March be officially declared Catism Month. Catism Month would designate a particular time for all to reflect on the importance of cats and Catism in our lives and to honor and learn about the important cats in history.

Haiku

2007-02-20T12:28:00.000-08:00

While my cat Gergiev lazes about, having her ghost plants blog for her while the wrongs of the world go undiscussed, her human companion composes poetry dedicated to last Saturday night.

Taco Cabana
At the end of winter with
Badminton and rum

Arrival of cat provokes disappearance of humans

2007-02-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

In a shocking new development, the new owners of Microblocks have disappeared from the face of the earth. After cutting off all contact with friends and family, the sadistic Siamese Microblocks is thought to have sent her new owners/adopters to an early grave in order to reign supreme in their quaint early 20th century home. Rumor has it that Copper and Blocks are being held captive in the spare bedroom in order to be sacrificed in an elaborate ceremony to initiate the young Siamese Blocks as a god. And to think that such an adorable little kitten could be capable of such crimes . . .

Chapter Two Blues

2007-02-06T17:22:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, a lovely white cat came and perched upon the shoulder of one Jeni. Said Jeni wrote and wrote, and before she knew it, she had produced a chapter. But suddenly and most inexplicably, the white cat disappeared, leaving Jeni all alone to face the abyss of dissertating. The devastated Jeni wandered around through the dark forests for many fortnights, writing a pagagraph here and another there, only to find the resulting writing quite incomprehensible, plunging her to the edge of despair.

This very day, however, Jeni has caught a glimpse of the white cat once more even amid the cavernous dungeons of the law school . . . come back, white cat, and return to me your infinite wisdom.

Agnosticatism

2007-02-02T13:01:00.000-08:00

Mary Flannery recently proclaimed that "I will expose Microblocks to not only Catism and Dogism, but birdism, ratism, insectism, and fishism. It will be up to her to choose her own path when she is at an age where she can reason. Our household is agnosticat."

This prompts the obvious question: is Catism an exclusionary, sectarian philosophy?

Catism losing its personal touch?

2007-01-29T14:20:00.000-08:00

Part of the appeal of Catism as an academic movement was the personal charisma of its founder and leader, the cat Gergiev. Many early blog postings that began the movement had a sense of humor and gave insight into the daily life of the cat Gergiev. Unfortunately, the blog has degenerated of late into little more than a repository of quoted and paraphrased news stories involving cats. Although there is certainly a place for cat-related news, readers of the blog are missing out on the added interest and instruction that Gergiev's editorializing could provide. As evidence of this declining reader interest, one has only to compare the number of comments on recent blog posts to those on earlier posts. Return to us your wisdom, O great Gergiev! The next generation of cats (such as Nello) await your instruction and wit.

Another random survey

2007-01-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?

I don't want a house anymore. I want a quaint, 2 bedroom apartment in a lovely old building in San Francisco.

2. What's your favorite article of clothing?

Little black dress. My old, frayed, torn jeans. My comfy tennis shoes. My long, grey princess coat.

3. Favorite physical feature of the opposite (same) sex?

I'm not sure I really have one. I've never been able to figure out exactly what makes me attracted to some people and not others.

4. What's the last CD that you bought?

Beborn Beton.

5. Where's your favorite place to be?

I am partial to San Francisco and Woodward Park when I feel like being out and my cozy apartment when I don't.

6. Where is your least favorite place to be?

In a classroom teaching a group of bored students.

7. What's your favorite place to be massaged?

I have never had a professional massage and have no desire to ever have one. I do like having my back and shoulders gently rubbed by my significant other.

8. Strong in mind or strong in body?

Can't you have both? A guy who can carry me is sexy as hell!

9. What time do you wake up in the morning?

If I have anything to say about it, then around 8:00 a.m.

10. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?

My coffeemaker. It is the best looking and most used appliance I own.

11. What makes you really angry?

Spending money on things that I don't particularly enjoy. I don't mind paying rent, buying groceries, etc., but I despise spending money to fix my car . . . which I will be doing today.

12. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?

I would like to be able to play guitar and violin.

13. Favorite colour?

Black for clothes. I sometimes think that I should discontinue buying clothes that are not black, grey, navy, or white. Maybe someday, I'll own nothing but black dresses.

14. Which do you prefer...sports car or SUV?

Neither. I've started walking to school some, and I much prefer that to any car. Now I just need to live somewhere with no ice.

15. Do you believe in an afterlife?

Nope. The world ceases to exist when I die.

16. Favorite children's book?

The Velveteen Rabbit.

17. What is your favorite season?

I enjoy the change of seasons. Funny then that I should want to move to SF where there is basically only one season year round.

18. Your least favorite household chore?

Yeah, it's gotta be laundry.

19. If you could have one super power, what would it be?

To be able to change into a cat at will.

20. If you have a tattoo, what is it?

No tattoo. I do have 8 earrings, which a lot of people don't realize with all my hair.

21. Can you juggle?

Probably not.

22. The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to?

I need to track down one of my old college roommates.

23. What's your favorite day?

Those when I have plenty of energy and spare time--and friends to spend them with.

24. What's in the trunk of your car?

Jumper cables. Empty box.

25. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?

Hamburger. Never got up the nerve to try sushi.

What I learned in SF:

2007-01-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

Flowers (and I don't mean pansies) can bloom outside even in January. Just not in Oklahoma.

Real Chinese food can mix black beans and water chesnuts with sweet potatoes . . . and the result is wonderful. Also, generic "Asian" food should be done away with. Tei Kei's, I'm looking your way.

If you can't find your bus stop in the ghetto, go to an intersection and head toward the street in the distance that looks the least scary. Then look to your left.

Ham and swiss are best when baked inside a flaky croissant and eaten outside on the wharf.

It is possible to catch a bus if you run fast enough.

Ghiradelli chocolate is far better when fresh and when poured over ice cream.

Cities can be, as I always suspected, grand and eloquent like nothing else.

Tag, Part II

2007-01-18T12:10:00.000-08:00

I tag the cat Gergiev, though I suspect that she is too immersed in her celebrity status to do such mundane things anymore.

Tag

2007-01-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

1) If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others, what would it be?

Writing sentence fragments.

2) If you could change one specific thing about the world, what would it be?

Rent in San Francisco would be as cheap as it is in Tulsa. Also, I would be there. In SF, that is. I might make all my friends move there too . . .

3) Name the cartoon character you identify with the most.

Bugs Bunny.

4) If you could live one day in your life over again, which one would it be?

The day last September when I went to SF with a certain law student and realized it was the most lovely city in all the world. Beautiful old buildings. Flowers everywhere, even in the alleys.

5) If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person, who would it be?

The cat Hodge. Oh yeah, and his lowly human companion, Samuel Johnson. According to legend, Johnson personally went to town to buy oysters for Hodge so that Hodge would not have to fear resentment from the servants who would otherwise have been assigned the task.

6) What is the one thing you lost, sold, or threw away that you wish you could have back?

I don't generally have remorse over things that I discard.

7) What is your most important contribution to this world?

Not having children.

8) What is your one hidden talent that almost no one knows about?

I can play a pump organ. But since it's not much different from a piano, it's more a matter of owning a pump organ than being able to play it. So it's really more of a secret possession than a hidden talent.

9) What is your most cherished possession?

I don't have any one thing that I am particularly fond of, though I am rather fond of my apartment as a whole. I also adore my feline companion, Gergiev, and fresh flowers.

10) What one person influenced your life the most when growing up?

How can this answer really be anything other than your parent(s)/guardian? I mean, really. Who taught you how to speak? Who taught you not to drink Draino? See, there you have it.

11) What one word describes you better than any other?

Jeni.

At last . . . Christmas pictures

2007-01-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

The trendy Gergiev, sporting the latest Christmas fashions. Velvet collar trimmed with faux fur and gold-plated jingle-bells.

Tomorrow is a tragic day . . .

2007-01-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the last day of vacation, I walked to Braum's and got a chocolate malt, which I shared with my cat Gergiev. My cat loves chocolate. Mochas, chocolate muffins, chocolate malts. She is sad that I must go back to work and leave her at home alone. At least she has her catnip mouse to keep her occupied. Maybe she'll even get bored enough to write some interesting blog entries.

Jeni's new career

2007-01-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

Last night, I hypnotized a cat named Blocks. He sat and purred in my lap for over an hour whilst I communicated with him telepathically, and today he shall do my bidding, terrorizing dogs and squirrels all around the world (ok, maybe just Tulsa). We shall soon see how my little experiment worked. I used a little known hynotic technique referred to as scalperiosis, which involves the skilled use of long fingernails to soothe the patient. Perhaps once I perfect my powers, I can attempt to conquer the daytime talk show circuit as a cat-whisperer . . .

The horrors of dissertating

2007-01-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Dissertating has recommenced, though it is going slowly. I wrote one whole page yesterday, which I guess is one page better than nothing at all. Apparently Hester Prynne is not as inspiring a Stoic as Uncas. Sigh. Perhaps I lack the proper encouragement of a loyal cat. But alas, my cat does not desire to entertain me by blogging anymore. She is neglecting both me and her public. How sad. Come back, little Gergie! Even MS-F came back eventually in private blog form.

Yoga inspired by cats

2006-12-29T17:28:00.000-08:00

Recently, it has come to the attention of your humble narrator that the ancient practice of yoga has an unacknowledged

debt to cat culture. The pose often referred to as "child's pose" should actually be called "cat's pose" as it is clearly modelled after a common stretch that has practiced by cats from time immemorial. Photographic evidence is provided for those unfamiliar with yoga or with cats.

Petition to re-establish the partridge festival

2006-12-22T12:29:00.000-08:00

Come back, MF! Your public anxiously awaits your return to blogger. Where else may the world learn of catism's dark, fluffy underbelly?

At last!!

2006-12-19T22:39:00.000-08:00

Dissertating has officially recommenced! It would seem I am on the second page of chapter two. And I am sure it is all thanks to my cat Gergiev, though her inspiration came in the rather inconvenient form of sitting upon my open book so that I could not read of it. Now, I must away to bed so that work can begin promptly on the morrow. Farewell, gentle readers, and good night.

Quality time with cat

2006-12-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I watched cat videos on YouTube with my lovely cat Gergiev. She especially liked the video below, showing her admiration by rubbing all against the speakers.

The story of Peerl continues

2006-12-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

Due to his superhuman stamina, Peerl survived the horrifying ordeal of being pickled, though he was forever weakened. Not only did pickling prevent Peerl from ever blooming into a lovely flower, but his stem also became vulnerable. As a child, Peerl had been bathed in tomato sauce by his father Assuma, giving the young artichoke a godlike strength and invulnerability. The sauce, however, had been poured over him from above, and so his stem had been but lightly coated. Alas, the wily Del Monte removed the superficial coating from Peerl's stem.

New mythological creature discovered last weekend!

2006-12-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

In the interests of science, I shall take it upon myself in this and subsequent postings to inform all of my lovely readers about the latest discovery: Peerl.

Peerl was a mythical winged artichoke born to a mother (Pertilote) of the standard artichoke variety who was ravaged by a minor deity (Asumma) who temporarily took the form of a tomato in order to rape the lovely virgin Pertilote in secret, the union being condemned by Asumma's father, Zaccha. The resulting creature, Peerl, was red in color and unusually large for an artichoke. Early in life, Peerl was captured by one Del Monte and pickled forthwith.

Stay tuned for future installments concerning the fascinating life of Peerl.

Scrabble

2006-12-13T23:45:00.000-08:00

My cat has such a lovely ur. She possesses impeccable urostateliness.

Out came the sun . . .

2006-12-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

My snowcats have both melted into unrecognizable lumps. How sad. To console myself, I have created a new masterpiece of catist art that combines photography and paint. I have entitled it The Spirit of Catism.

Snow inspires fine art

2006-12-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I made a snowcat, using my stately cat Gergiev as a model of catliness. It was so much fun that I decided to make another one today. The world may never again see such glorious statues.

Cat Gets Exercise

2006-12-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Today, we have maybe 10 inches of snow outside and my cat Gergiev, in celebration of the season, has been playing indoor soccer with some of my Christmas ornaments. Perhaps she is sad that she cannot go frolic out in the lovely snow.

Support Catism!

2006-11-29T18:55:00.000-08:00

Buy your pro-Cat bumper sticker today!

http://www.zazzle.com/product/128042375350129019

(Hint: They make lovely Christmas gifts!)

How to Tell a Real Jeni

2006-11-28T16:10:00.000-08:00

Beware, O my brothers and sisters, for upon your humble internet false Jenis do abound! To assist you as you wander through such a scary and deceitful world, your narrator dost hereby proclaim several signs of the real Jeni.

1. The Real Jeni does not talk in cheerleader speak, in which numerous exclamation points and words like "bestest" abound.
2. The Real Jeni avoids unsightly grammar errors and typos.
3. The Real Jeni speaks in a sage-like voice.
4. The Real Jeni possesses every imaginable virtue.

I do hope that such principles shall help you distinguish the best of all possible Jenis. Good day.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-25T15:25:00.000-08:00

With my loyal cat Gergiev at my side, I recently embarked upon a journey to the not-so-faraway land of Edmond for Thanksgiving celebrations, which were most pleasant. Roasted turkey was had by all, even by little Gergie, who found it every bit as tasty as the small, local birds eaten raw in the wild days of her youth. Mother and daughter did quite a lot of shopping (but rest assured, those of you who cry "fie" upon the fleeting vanities of this fair life, that said shopping was of the most essential variety), whilst Gergiev and Domino kept to their own quarters, achieving a rather tenuous sort of peace. And now, farewell, faithful readers, for today!

anti-Catist song

2006-11-17T15:45:00.000-08:00

Lyrics from "I Want a Dog" by the Pet Shop Boys:

I want a dog
Don't want a cat
scratching its claws all over my habitat
giving no love and getting fat
Oh, you can get lonely
and a cat's no help with that

My cat Gergiev is good company, is not fat, and is quite affectionate. But these pro-dog types like to slander and sterotype cats when, in fact, cats are the only proper pets.

The traveller returns

2006-11-08T15:41:00.000-08:00

Upon returning home, I did find that my sprightly little cat Gergiev decided to relocate a candle in my honor. Unfortunately, I have yet to find the new location of said candle. I suspect that it may very well be stowed carefully away in the lining of my couch, in which a most suspicious cat-sized hole mysteriously appeared just days after arriving in my apartment.

I suppose I should be content that my cat did not turn into a human-hating radical catist in my absence.

Foxy feline

2006-10-30T08:22:00.000-08:00

Your humble narrator, it seems, has been invited to more Halloween parties than she canst reasonably attend and so, in her infinite wisdom, she hast decided to send cat Gergiev as her ambassador attired in masquerade-style fox mask. Away, tricksy Gergiev, to your party!

Behold, I stand before you a computer goddess!

2006-10-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

This lovely autumn day, your narrator may very well have successfully repaired the errant computing device that is the grand centerpiece upon her mahogany desk. Following the guidance of one fellow graduate student, she didst extract deviant fan from central unit of processing and, after much questing, didst locate less mischievous replacement item with assistance of electronic merchant Bay. Upon receipt of said fan this very day, she proceeded to install fan and hast thus far found, to her immense satisfaction, no imminent damage to computing device. Such success is rendered particularly awe-inspiring when one considers the appalling number of times that screws were dropped into various parts of the compartment as well as the amount of stray cat fur that had ample opportunity to infiltrate the innards of said device.

Entomo-hypochondria

2006-10-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you, the lovely reader, should be aware that your humble narrator suffers from a most bizarre condition. Some have called it entomo-hypochondria. Similar to hypochrondia, in which the subject irrationally imagines him or herself to be suffering from various illnesses, this condition involves the subject, upon viewing a single insect, irrationally believing herself to be suffering from a massive attack by said species of insect. This very day, upon witnessing a mosquito outside her front door, your narrator didst immediately begin to feel herself being stung all over. After seeing a spider, your narrator feels spiders crawling all over her and may even claim to hear spiders trapsing across her bedcovers at night.

And how, you may ask, did your narrator acquire such a ridiculous disorder? The acquisition is actually quite easily pinpointed. When your narrator was but a very little Jeni, inexperienced in the ways of the world, she wast left at home alone by her doting parents. Whilst they were away, little Jeni was playing calmly in her room when, low and behold, she glimpsed a large spider perched upon the dustruffle of her bed. Being frightened of such hideous beasts, little Jeni escaped to the basement to put much distance between her and the awful creature. Upon the return of her parents, she didst relate to them her tale of horror and conducted them to her room to witness the imminent death of the overly presumptuous arachnid. To her amazement, said arachnid wast nowhere to be found. That night, little Jeni lay peacefully in bed reading a lovely novel when, ex nihilo, that self-same spider of the afternoon didst run across her chest, filling her with unspeakable horror. That she might prevent yet another return of the dreadful creature, young Jeni didst rashly kill said spider upon her very bosom with aforementioned book, only to be immediately sickened to the heart at such act. To find oneself attacked by a wily spider and then littered with its carcass upon one's person is surely enough to traumatize even the bravest of Jenis.

Jeni's Extraordinary Life Continues

2006-10-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

Recently, your humble narrator crocheted a toy mouse for her beloved cat Gergiev. Said cat hast refused to be grateful, though she seems to take immense pleasure from new toy.

In other news, Jeni hastens to begin chapter two forthwith, whilst also devising costume in which to celebrate All Hallow's Eve. For although the world must needs be enlightened upon the fascinating subject of Hawthorne and Stoicism, there is much celebrating of Hallows to be done in the forthcoming days.

Nightly Cat Attacks

2006-10-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

The cat Gergiev has begun feasting nightly upon my comforter. Apparently, chenille is good eating for even a well-fed cat. She hast also taken to pouncing on my feet in the middle of the night, forcing your humble narrator to barricade herself inside her bedroom each night since my wily feline seems capable of working doorknobs to closed bedroom door.

Jeni is now back

2006-10-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

After an inexplicable absence, Jeni has now returned to blogger. It could be that some fake Jeni hacked into my blog in attempt to shut it down.

Cat sighting

2006-10-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

Whilst at her parents' humble abode in Edmond, your narrator fielded one telephone call from neighbor concerning recent sighting of bobcat in the vicinity. Apparently, said bobcat hath been seen before in this suburban neighborhood some time ago. Perhaps Big Bad Bobcat hath been making periodic appearances in Edmond whilst vagabonding about the US on his militant catist crusades?

Lazy cat

2006-10-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

Although your narrator didst manage to emerge promptly from bed this fine day, after turning on the coffee pot, she did proceed to fall asleep upon couch. Her generally dutiful feline companion, who should have awoken her in such an emergency, was found to be still asleep in bed.

Pirates of the Caribbean III: Curse of the Evil Computer

2006-10-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

Pirate Jeni has once again been cursed, this time with evil computers. First, her office machine decided no longer to function. Then her home computer flared up, making horrible racket. Finally, computer of one unidentified shipmate, which she wast using most competently, decided to turn itself off for no apparent reason.

Being the brave pirate that she is, however, Jeni perservered in her quest to conquer the world. Office computer was replaced. Fellow shipmate's computer restarted after discovery of mysterious power strip that was in "off" position led to glorious restoration to its rightful "on" position. And home computer yesterday no longer made loud whirring noise of death after a week of disuse. Now, Jeni doth seek once more after treasures . . .

Why didn't any of you tell me that Tuesday was International Talk Like a Pirate Day? You all disappoint me greatly.

2006-09-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight, whilst writing my dissertation into the ground, your narrator didst discover a lovely song through Pandora, whose lyrics are happily printed below. In this masterpiece, Moby-Dick, pirates, and Tom Waits come together. Who could ask for more?

Shiver Me Timbers
by Tom Waits

I'm leavin' my fam'ly
Leavin' all my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
On a new front page sky
My tears are salt water
And the moon's full and high

And I know Martin Eden's
Gonna be proud of me
And many before me
Who've been called by the sea
To be up in the crow's nest
Singin' my say
Shiver me Timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me, now.
So swallow me, don't follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter
'n I'm gonna skip like a stone

So please call my missus
Gotta tell her not to cry
'Cause my goodbye is written
By the moon in the sky
Hey and nobody knows me
I can't fathom my stayin'
Shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me
So come and swallow me, follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter
'n I'm gonna skip like a stone

And I'm leavin' my family
Leavin' all my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
Upon a new front page sky
And shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

Catism dead?

2006-09-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

The Cat Gergiev's blog, which was the founding document of Catism, appears to no longer exist. Whatever shall happen to Catism without a record of its existence and a continuance of its conversations? Perhaps Catism has passed away like a tumbleweed due to the lack of significant discourse material, as recent blog postings on such ludicrous and non-cat-related topics such as sunbathing pigs would suggest.

Kitten videos

2006-09-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

Today, I shall introduce you to some lovely animated videos featuring kittens:

Genghis Khan kittens

Ramones kittens

The Soluble Song

Guns'N'Roses kittens

A whole dancing, jiving band of independent kittens

Joan Jett kittens

Culture Club kittens

Enjoy, my cat-loving friends!

Dissertating with Cat, Part II

2006-09-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

The cat sits upon my notes.
I can no longer type.
The cat begins to chew my notes.
I can no longer outline.
The cat sprawls herself across the book open on my lap.
I can no longer read.
The cat sits always before me,
as I can no longer play.

Funny cat videos

2006-09-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

Funny cats set to "Kitty" song by Presidents of the United States of America.

Funny cats set to classical music.

From Tramp to Aristocracy?

2006-09-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

My lovely cat Gergiev, who came to live with your humble narrator after wandering aimlessly about the dirty streets of Tulsa for some unknown amount of time, has come to reject the petty bourgeois fare of cat treats provided by doting godmother. Just this very day on the morn did your narrator catch glimpse of her eyeing one advertisement (read: ad-vûr' ts-, mnt) for Fancy Feast's new line of gourmet cat food: Elegant Medleys, "restaurant-inspired feline cuisine." Below is a description of the line:

Elegant Medleys™ entrées offer tempting florentines, delightful soufflés and sumptuous shredded fare — each inspired by the menus of the world's finest restaurants. Every tantalizing entrée is artfully prepared with premium ingredients like yellow fin tuna, wild salmon, white meat chicken or tender turkey and accented by a touch of garden greens. To cats everywhere, Bon Appétit.

Gergiev seemed quite taken by the picture of Wild Salmon Florentine in a Delicate Sauce with Garden Greens. And to think I once knew her to eat raw birds . . .

Dissertating with Cat

2006-09-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

My lovely cat Gergiev seems to think that she can help me dissertate by lying upon my notes. Apparently, it does not occur to her that I might actually need to see those notes. Your narrator thereby fears that dissertating with cat may become battle with cat for possession of prime desk top space.

In an unrelated note, I found the following cat-oriented story in a local copy of the Tulsa World:

Early yesterday morning, a Tulsa cat, who wishes to remain anonymous, was denied access to a local shower stall. Said cat waited outside the shower for some time, meowing "most pitifully," she claims. Upon the evacuation of the shower by the cat's owner, the shower door was promptly shut so that the cat was unable to use the facility. The cat's owner refused to comment upon the incident.

Yet another Jeni, oh my . . .

2006-09-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

It is now possible to discover fascinating answers to all of your burning questions at a quaint new venue entitled "Ask a Jeni." How very odd.

Cats have ivory towers too

2006-08-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

Your narrator, it would seem, has reason to fret about the well-being of her companionable feline. Despite my recent visit to the fine town of Edmond, no evidence exists that said feline partook in any boisterous socializing whilst she was left to her own devices. Perhaps the academic endeavors of my faithful cat have interfered with her once active (indeed rather wild) social life.

I do suspect that my little cat has neglected her duties as hostess in order to play the role of social agitator, encouraging and inspiring cats everywhere to rebel and rave against the social order in the most heinous of ways.

Jeni attacked by tricksy spider

2006-08-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I ran through a large cobweb. EWWW. Undoubtedly an attempt upon my life by some evil spider seeking revenge for the death of his kinsman. No more jogging at night along bush-adorned sidewalks.

Cats in Costumes

2006-08-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

Look at the amazing jester cat! So perky and adorable, even while sitting calmly.

And shiver me timbers . . . it's pirate kitty!

*Brought to you courtesy of our sponsor, Friends of Catism.

This week at PetSmart

2006-08-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

Cat costumes on sale for the bargain price of $5.99. That's right, for just a few dollars, you can adorn your cat for Halloween or the masquerade. I have long suspected Gergiev of secretly nursing the desire to transform into a bear for an evening, so perhaps a trip to the store is in order.

A New Teaching Philosophy, Part II

2006-08-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

During the infamous Writing Program orientation last week, we were required to write about student conferences. My response below is, of course, very much in line with current pedagogical theory.

Student conferences function as an integral part of a student-centered writing class. Often during conferences, my student and I simply sit in the same room and stare intelligently at each other, basking in the bliss of self-knowledge and contemplating the act of writing in silent awe. Occasionally, murmurs of the wonders of writing escape from us half-consciously. The student eventually emerges from my office full of joy and enlightenment, as I revel in my success as the composition teacher-god.

Why Student Conferences Must Be Required

It is imperative that all instructors be required to conference with their students. Conferences help instructors maintain their roles as teacher-gods and are therefore essential to student success, much like the occasional offering of human sacrifices. Furthermore, imposing this burden on both students and teachers enables the dictatorship of the Writing Program to continue exerting control with an ironmost fist, an arrangement of power that forms the necessary foundation of all learning.

On Student Conferences and Catism

Student conferences also further the catist agenda of the Writing Program by providing a space for one-on-one instruction. Since the formal education of cats is only now beginning to gain acceptance through the hard work of critics like Cat Gergiev, it is essential that the needs of underprivileged cats be addressed on an individual basis.

A Catist Manifesto

2006-08-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to prove my catist loyalties, your humble narrator dost present to you the following academic essay upon cats in popular culture.

I recently came across a quaint print of a painting featuring a cat for sale online. While attempts to depict cats and their lives in popular culture are encouraging to the catism movement, even the most simple analysis of such depictions reveal that this trend actually works against the goals of catism by stereotyping and debasing cats. "Naught Cat V" represents the prominent cultural trend to categorize and contain cats. In this painting, a single cat is shown lapping up milk, which, the title of the painting implies, he/she has presumably spilt. The close cultural association of cats and milk obscures the myriad roles and ventures of cats within contemporary society.

Furthermore, the painting exploits the "naughty kitten" figure that is so entrenched in popular representations of cats. Perhaps the most familiar manifestation of this figure is in the children's nursery rhyme:

Three little kittens, they lost their mittens
And they began to cry:
"O Mother dear,
We very much fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"Lost your mittens!
You naughty kittens!
Then you shall have no pie."

The naughty kitten figure combines an admiration of the playful and "cute" qualities associated with kittenhood with a mild exasperation for the results of such qualities. This ambivalent attitude toward kittenhood creates a tension that writers and artists find powerful. Unfortunately, the naughty kitten figure promotes an unrealistic image of cats as perpetually youthful, as always kittens. The problem of the three little kittens is juvenile and lighthearted in nature (the loss of mittens, inexpensive items which can be replaced), as is their punishment (the withholding of dessert). However, rather than being simply a nostalgic anecdote of kittenhood, this depiction has infiltrated popular culture to the extent that all cats are judged by this standard. The cat in "Naughty Cat V" is no longer a kitten, yet it is presented as one through the juvenile nature of its action. The frequency of such depictions trivializes the lives of full-grown cats, subjecting all cats to the expectations that are inappropriate and one-dimensional. Just as domesticated kittens are frequently stripped of their front claws by their human companions, who prefer to think of themselves as "owners" (and thus relegating cats to the status of objects), cats of all ages, genders, and colors are being declawed, domesticated, contained by images promoting perpetual kittenhood. The time has now come. Cats of the world, unite!

A new teaching philosophy for a glorious new age . . .

2006-08-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

So the great TU Writing Program orientation is now upon us. Inspired by Dear Brave Sara while attending this fine event, I have penned a grand new teaching philosophy. You may venture here to read it, gentle reader, if you are so inclined.

There's no place like home . . .

2006-08-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

Your humble narrator hast finally returned home to her friends and cat after embarking upon her numerous adventures, including trips to the true Golden Gate bridge and to the lesser, one-lane, wooden-plank Golden Gate bridge near Eureka Springs almost precisely one week (down to the hour) after visiting its much larger and less scary counterpart.

Sadly, it seems that cat Gergiev toyed with the idea of interviewing potential new owners in my absence. Perhaps catism involves an anti-vagabonding strain of which I was unaware. So I must now endeavor to regain the affection of my beloved cat. For although your narrator didst offer to take said cat with her on road trip to the faraway land of Edmond, she didst refuse such kind offer, preferring to stay in humble abode alone, thus withholding her company from her doting human companion for the better part of two weeks.

867-5309

2006-08-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

"Jeni, Jeni, who can I turn to?"

As the real Jeni, let me tell you where to turn to . . .
--turn to eBay for many lovely antique fans in working order
--turn to newly "-Scientist"-ed English teachers for complicated mechanical repairs on lovely fans that make very loud noises due to centripetal force driving fan blades into misaligned fan cage
--turn to overheated friends who dread cooking dinner for rescue of stalled vehicle
--turn to AAA to fix your car, if only temporarily
--turn to Southwest.com for relatively cheap airfare
--turn to friends whose names begin with "dear" and "brave" for transportation occurring before the ungodly hour of 5:30 a.m.
--turn to Gergiev or some other lovely blocks (i.e., cat) for love and affection
--turn to the Continental for Tulsa's finest salsa music and twenty of the loveliest crystal chandeliers
--always turn to bad 80s music while working out in hot apartment

And where not to turn to . . .
--do not turn to Ford Thunderbirds for reliable transportation
--do not turn to single air conditioner for proper cooling of entire apartment complex
--do not turn to any blocks for the safekeeping of pens, pencils, or potted plants
--do not turn to Big Bad Bobcat for coherent explanations of the theory of catism

"Jeni, Jeni, who can I turn to? (867-5309)
For the price of a dime I can always turn to you."

A cat suffering from feline superiority

2006-07-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

Upon returning of late from trip to visit most learned philosophy professor, your humble narrator was bombarded by the neediest of all lovely cats. Said cat didst proceed to curl up upon her hair. Whilst attempting to disentangle claws from hair, it didst finally occur to your brilliant narrator the likely cause of this phenomenon: said cat adores my hair due to its likeness to her own fur. Cat Gergiev's attraction to my hair is not a sign of affection for her loving human companion so much as it is a source of narcissistic pleasure. As my brilliant and lovely readers may already have guessed, such is an unmistakeable sign of felinocentrism, which is defined as the privileging of the feline in understanding meaning or social relations.

Furthermore, my cat has apparently recruited a feline goon, known as Big Bad Bobcat, to patrol her blog and threaten any who might be so bold as to question catism in any way. Such ridiculous measures reveal the dangers of radical catism.

The time has come for little cats to put away such obvious biases for the greater good of all.

Another cat on the Internet? Oh, no . . .

2006-07-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

It has come to the attention of your humble narrator that Blocks, most beloved feline of one Mad Scientist and most hated feline of one Mary Flannery, is poised and threatening to enter the mystical online world of blogging. Should such tragedy occur, your narrator most fervently hopes that cat Gergiev shall respect the purity and innocence of such a gentle feline and not overwhelm her with catism's radical political agenda. Your narrator dost fear that the radicalness of catism is but ever increasing and that at some point she may return home to a feline that hast decided to shave her lovely blue-grey fur in protest of her privileged status as pampered house pet.

And on the third day, he arose . . .

2006-07-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

The mystery plant, initially christened "Seymour" but going by "Wenito" as of late, has indeed proved quite mysterious and provocative. Not only did said plant appear ex nihilo upon a certain white Ford Thunderbird one fine May day, but now after having been accidentally slaughtered by one well-meaning feline Gergiev, plant has apparently returned from the grave as a ghost to haunt the Gergiev blog. The evidence? The phantom Wenito posted a comment to this blog on the twenty-fifth day of July, a full three days after being pronounced dead.

Catism question of the day

2006-07-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

So, little felines of the world, are there cats represented in Pink Floyd's song "Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict"? If so, is Pink Floyd's portrayal of cats uplifting to felines? But perhaps the most pressing question is whether or not cats can groove.

Other contenders for question of the day:
Will peacock feathers sprout if placed in water?
Has the real arc of the covenant been discovered in an ivy-covered house in Tulsa?

Gergiev, fitness trainer, offers praise

2006-07-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

When your humble narrator returned home this fine day from a most pleasant jog, she was greeted by her sweet cat Gergiev. As her fitness trainer, cat Gergiev was most pleased that her human companion hadst been faithfully executing her prescribed regimen and proceeded to lick her most sweaty hand and forearm in affirmation for some time. . . . of course, it could also be that cats find your narrator rather tasty.

Tulsa cat charged with plantslaughter

2006-07-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

From today's edition of the Tulsa World:

A local cat was arrested yesterday afternoon on charges of plantslaughter. Cat Gergiev is thought to have committed an act of negligence resulting in the death of the plant Wenito (formerly known as Seymour) when dashing about frantically from window sill to desk to floor, disturbing the stationary plant and hurling it to the floor, pot and all. Although the pot suffered but little damage, Wenito lost an appendage in the fall, which occurred at approximately 9:45 a.m., and was horribly mangled, his torso nearly torn from his roots. Despite the best efforts of the medical personnel who arrived promptly at the scene, Wenito was pronounced dead at 10:15 a.m.

The adventures of abandoned cats

2006-07-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I ventured out of my balmy apartment to the nice, cool, air-conditioned apartment of dear brave Sara to visit her cats, Ray and Egon, who mourn their recent abandonment by said human companion. Whilst there, Ray attempted to ingest a plastic bag despite the uninterrupted presence of copious amounts of proper cat food. Also, your humble narrator didst stumble across a most startling discovery . . . a hole in the carpet in the middle of the living room. Perhaps, hopefully, this hole wast present before the awaying of one Sara. Yet it is quite possible that the obstinate felines are attempting to eat their way through the apartment out of protest. I fear that I may return in a but a few days to find that they have escaped altogether and that then I shall have a most angry Sara to report to . . .

Hot! Hot! Hot!

2006-07-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

The Cure once wrote a lovely song about me:
Yes I'm jumping like a jumping jack
Dancing screaming itching squealing fevered
Feeling hot hot hot!!!

Au contraire, the lovely feline Gergiev dost posit that your narrator suffers from dehydration delusions. Perhaps both are somewhat valid.

In what may well have been a mirage, I saw my little Gergiev perform quite the adorable trick this morning. While I wast eating my bruncheon repast of taco, milk, and watermelon, she didst crawl up and burrow herself between me and back of humble kitchen chair. My spry little cat then scaled the back of the chair whilst leaning against my back for support in order to perch most precariously upon the one inch wide piece of wood at the top of the chair. She then laid her little head upon my shoulder while attempting to sprawl out on top of the chair. How nice that my cat has returned from her academic journey and has resumed practicing her circus tricks. Perhaps someday, my cat shall appear on Cirque du Soleil!

Catism is dead

2006-07-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

My beloved cat Gergiev, founder and sole proponent of the radical theory of catism, hast abandoned her subject. Of late, she hast taken up myspace as a more proper topic for her commentary. Lying hither next to keyboard as your humble narrator dost type in the balmy 80-degree atmosphere that is her apartment, she looks quite content to be but a simple housecat purring while perched upon my papers. Goodbye, catism. May some other cat stumble upon you someday when the world is better suited for your arrival.

Away to godmother's . . .

2006-07-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I shall entrust the sanctity of my apartment and the lately failing health of beloved rosemary plant to my little Gergiev. Her godmother shall surely be saddened that godcat refuses to travel to visit her. Perhaps she shall find her godcat ungrateful and the continual flow of cat treats into apartment shall cease.

Day with cat

2006-07-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

After the passing of noon, I didst embark upon one final cleaning venture. Gergiev didst join me. At one point, Bastet statue wast placed upon floor for cleaning purposes and Gergiev approached her to make peace. Upon first seeing this bronze cat, she mistook it for a potential threat to her status as single cat and growled and pounced at it most fiercely. Upon this day, she didst pounce upon the woolen duster instead and with vigor at that.

So this fair evening, your humble narrator leaves the table momentarily and returns to behold her lovely cat, who had alighted upon said table and wast proceeding to lap up my milk!

Ewwww . . .

2006-07-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

Alas, your humble narrator was quite startled when, upon this fine night, she didst stumble upon a rather large mouse in the cellar of her lovely apartment building. Said creature wast a full six inches long plus tail and was unusually furry, rather like a wild rabbit. Perchance such incident shall result in manager adopting a feline to patrol the bowels of the building. Otherwise, I may be forced to send cat Gergiev out upon patrol to prevent horror, infestation, and bubonic plague.

Boring Wednesday

2006-07-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

My lovely cat is sorrowful today upon the departure of her godmother, who brought banana-nut bread and deigned to present her a plate of crumbs.

Your humble narrator wast this very day compelled to slave laboriously at proofreading and revising one index, a most tedious task, from which she has yet to recover fully. At least such work could be completed poolside, though sadly not while actually bathing in said pool.

Most beauteous yellow roses are now beginning to die. Must decide whether to allocate funds to procure replacements, or whether some $3 lilies shall not do.

The furious housekeeping that has plagued me approaches a temporary end.

All is quiet. The air conditioner hums. The cat sits upon an antique chair. Jeni must now go to sleep.

A properly domesticated cat

2006-07-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

Your humble narrator dost fear that her cat's recent political activism may be leading her too far astray from her proper place in the domestic sphere. If little Gergie wants to play the dilettante and polemicize on cat studies, that is adorable and perfectly acceptable. However, such pursuits need not interfere with catching bugs, entertaining her human companion, purring, and such like.

Send in the cats . . .

2006-07-02T09:57:00.000-07:00

So yesterday your humble narrator didst discover one arachnid hovering about her showering chamber and was therefore coerced into violent and bloody action to remedy such appalling situation. After said ordeal hadst come to a close with arachnid's burial at sea, your narrator didst wonder why she employst a cat who apparently does not fulfill her role as huntress like a good and proper housecat.

My lovely cat has such a lovely tail

2006-06-30T16:04:00.001-07:00

As I did venture forth into the academic world today, I stumbled across a lovely striped yellow cat. Upon subsequent inspection, I didst discover that said cat had no tail, merely a stump, much like the tuxedo cat Domino. Poor little cat. The other cats may discriminate against him for lack of a tail or, even worse, mistake the poor creature for a guinea pig. Luckily, my stately cat has a very lovely tail, one she often takes for granted.

on the horrors of life below dog

2006-06-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

New neighbor in apartment above me acquired a dog yesterday. It barks incessantly. Sometimes howls. May need to invest in a housewarming present for neighbor. Was thinking of a muzzle . . .